So, we had an assignment where we were to creatively mimic either a chapter of Tina Fey's book Bossypants or something from one of Nora Ephron's works. I chose to recreate Fey's chapter "The Secrets of Mommy's Beauty." Limited to two pages, what I came up with is below.
The list is by no means conclusive. It was supposed to be 100% comedic. I do not entire uphold any of the beliefs listed, but I do see such trends prominently on this university's campus.
For your humorous enjoyment, here it is.
MK’s Rules of College
Fashion
1. If you are a good student (like MK)…
You
roll out of bed at the last possible minute before class starts (taking full
advantage of Michigan Time*), and run to Angell Hall wearing lacrosse sweats/yoga
pants, an old T-Shirt, and maybe a hooded sweatshirt if you remembered to grab
it. You have converse or Uggs on, depending upon the weather. Your hair is as is,
pulled back with a cotton headband, or half-back with one of those toothy clips
(preferably tortoiseshell, because those are totes adorable). Your purpose in college
is to learn and be enlightened, not to look good. Let’s be real, who are you trying
to impress? Boys are too busy being insecure to approach you in class. Focus on
school.
(I like this. Thanks, polyvore.com. I especially like the jar of Nutella in the lower right hand corner. For the purposes of this list, none of that makeup or that hair straightener belongs in this collage, but I'll let it be).
2. If you are a bad student…
You
wake up one to two hours prior to the start of your class. You straighten or
curl your hair depending upon genetic burdens and ethnic composition. You do
your makeup. You stare at your closet, trying to figure out what shirt matches
the wash of your jeans the best. After thirty minutes of debate, you decide
against jeans and wear a dress instead. You look super clean and cute. You get
to class before what would be considered exactly “on time” and end up wasting
time sitting there, looking attractive and very much put together.
You
do this every day.
If
you do this, you have too much time on your hands and could better your life by
using the time it took to do all of the above to study. No one is going to
notice you but girls (dressed like #1) who cannot believe you took the time to
look that good. Yes, they are burning holes into the back of your shirt with their eyes. Focus on school.
(This bitch. Seriously, Blair Waldorf? I hate that I watch this show and love every character's clothes but know that realistically, looking this good everyday would be entirely too draining).
Rules #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, and #9
apply when you are NOT focusing on school.
3. If you are going out to a fraternity…
You
are either not of age or have no real friends. If you were 21, you would be at
the bars. If you had friends, you would be at their house or apartment,
drinking. No one in their right mind willingly goes to a fraternity unless they
have no choice, they are the stereotypical sorostitute (Note: the Rebel Sorority
Chick does exist, but this is an issue for another list), or they are broke and
looking for free booze. Which brings me back to the friends issue: Real friends
would help you out rather than force you to go to a frat.
Nonetheless,
for the young Freshman, this is what I heard you should wear: A slutty,
American Apparel dress and heels. This way, you can bare your cleavage (if it
exists) and bypass the line at the door as well as at the bar in the back of
the living room. Good luck.
Being
naive and having respect for myself, I remember wearing jeans, my checkered
Vans, tank tops, and cardigans to every frat party I attended Freshman year. I
always had to stand in line forever. Go me.
(I did not know Vans could be made to look this good. KStew just keeps on surprising me. I hate her a little less, again).
4. If you are going out to a grown-up bar (like Charley’s
or Ashley’s)…
You
are 21. Congratulations! Happy belated Birthday! Or perhaps you have a really,
really good fake. Congratulations again! This means you successfully navigated the shady world of acquiring a fake ID. I bet it cost you mucho, mucho dinero.
Wear
whatever you were wearing to class (hopefully you’re a good student). Bring
your backpack if necessary/unavoidable. This is a chill environment. The bar is a place of
relaxation and intellectual stimulation. You are supposed to go there to enjoy
the company of your friends, compete in trivia, bitch about boys, have
religious debates, have scientific debates, have political debates...
(I googled Ashley's and this is what came up. These kids know what's up. I want to high-five each and every one of them).
5. If you are going out to the sweaty
cesspool that is Rick’s (or any bar/club combination that plays remixes of America's Top 40 all night)…
See
#3. However, disregard all insults and insert “hooker heels.” Rick’s may scream
hot mess, but it is also a good time. You will
don your most body-flattering dress (black), you will
do smoky eye-makeup, you will wear
those heels that threaten to break your ankles (black, nude, or sparkly) but also manage to make your
legs look as thin as deer’s legs.
Above
all else, you will dance. Girls just want to have fun.
(She's got it down pat. I love this entire outfit).
6. If you are going out on a date with a boy
you like…
You
want to look like the girl next door who just so happens to know what kinds of
clothing pieces flatter her body. You’re the hot girl next door, not the best
friend girl next door. You need to wear something that says, “Yes, you may
take me to Gratzi. I am a classy lady.” However, it also must say, “I could fit
in anywhere. Watch me chomp on this burrito at your favorite Mexican
restaurant. I’m a guy’s girl.” Cover all your bases.
(The pale blue blazer, excellent choice).
7. If you are going out on a date with a boy
you do not like…
Why
are you doing this? For the free food? Okay, I understand. I could never pass
on a free meal. Wear whatever the hell you want to. See rule #1 and remember,
who are you trying to impress?
Word
of caution: remember there is always the chance that this boy could surprise
you. You may like him. How are you going to feel in your sweats at Gratzi when
you realize he’s not so bad? Maybe you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.
(Now, what if she had worn her lax sweats?)
8. If a boy is coming over for a late night
movie…
When
you reach what is supposed to be the easy-going, casual, movie date at your
house (so as to alleviate any awkwardness), it is essential to be able to look
good, even in sweats and a tank top. Figure out how to do that. Buena suerte.
9. If a boy is coming over for a late night
something else…
You
are either bringing him home from Rick’s or he’s your steady boyfriend now. If
the former, you probably should have shaved your legs before you went out. You
should also have some form of matching undergarments. Do not assume thong means
sexy. Thong sometimes means slutty, depending upon your body type. Sorry. Real girl talk here: I love all of you ladies and all of your diverse body parts, but please don't let anything roll out where it's not supposed to. Take control. Pick things that flatter what you've got, because there is something for every body type. If you feel
sexy in boy shorts, wear boy shorts. Is bikini-style your thing? Do it. Granny
panties? I mean, if it works for you, I say go big or go home. Pun intended. Ugh. Sorry, not good.
If
this boy is your bonafide boyfriend, you probably don’t give a shit what you’re
wearing when he comes over. Your legs are probably hairy (especially if it’s
winter in Michigan), and let’s not even talk about your armpits. You probably
couldn’t match your bra and underwear, even if your life depended on it. Just
look at your sock drawer. Sock. Singular. There are no pairs in there.
If
you don’t care, that’s fine, but give your guy a break once in awhile. If he’s
dealing with wooly mammoth girl on a daily basis, surprise him with baby-butt legs. He more than likely deserves it, and you will be rewarded
ten-fold.
(http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Smooth-Legs -- Is it funny that WikiHow has a "How to Shave Your Legs" tutorial? I mean, I guess prepubescent me would have greatly appreciated this...).
10. If
you are dressing for you…
Good.
You should be. This should happen everyday. Who is the one person you have to see on a daily basis for the
entirety of your life? You.
I
have often asked, “Who are you trying to impress?” Remember, the only person
you ever really have to impress is yourself.
(That clearly male, not perfectly manicured nail, is not mine. Okay, my nails aren't perfectly manicured either, I'm way overdue. I like the fortune).
* For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of "Michigan Time," here is an example. You are scheduled to attend a class that begins at 11:00 AM. On your schedule, the class is listed as beginning at 11:00 AM. However, as observed and upheld by nearly all professors and students on this campus, your class will actually begin at 11:10 AM. This ensures that if you have classes back to back, you have that 10 minutes to get to your next class. Professors are unwise to reject Michigan Time, because students will show up 10 minutes late no matter what. It is the way of the world in the bubble that is the University of Michigan.
MK says...anyone in college (and out) should at least get a giggle or two out of this post.
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